The Substitute People

"You and I have a special talent,and I saw it immediately. We're the substitute people. I've been the substitute person my whole life.

Claire from the movie Elizabethtown


In reviewing the movie Angus, Roger Ebert remarked that if you watch movies long enough, eventually you'll see your life up on the screen. I've had a few movies that did that for me. Some silly like Old School, and some that hit close to home such as Sideways. But this exchange from the movie Elizabethtown truly hit me like a ton of Bricks. This was it. This captured a feeling I've had my whole life. I was a substitute person. A second choice. Someone people "settled" for.

How did this happen? In many ways I've lived a spectacular life. I've been a comedian on some of the most popular stages in the world, I've written books, had wonderful adventures, gotten degrees, and been, generally speaking an outgoing, kind, generous, and compassionate person.

And yet......... I've always felt second best. Always been the guy in the bar walking out with the cleaning crew. The shoulder to cry on, the "friend", the third wheel, the seat filler, the loner, the single, the guy by himself at the dinner table.

How does one become a substitute person? Is a substitute person made or are we born? In my case a through examination of my past held some clues, and I know as a psychotherapist that much of this had to do with the way I thought about myself. We're second best because we've slowly grown into these roles and now it's what we think we must deserve. As with many types of pervasive personality patterns, this likely starts in childhood.

My guess is many substitute people are often middle children of some type. Middle children are often the ones who get the hand me downs, the used cars, and the leftovers, and this is something we simply learn to live with. Many psychologists are middle children, having learned to make peace in their families from their unique perches in the middle of the debate. Middle children make good diplomats. They are the Mary Anns to their older and younger siblings Gingers. They are the sidekicks, the loyal friends, the fans, and the men and women behind the scenes.

So the focus of this blog will be to examine why it is we substitute people feel second best. What happened and what can we do about it? The fact is that many exceptional people conceptualize themselves as substitute people and don't reach their real potential. Personally I consider myself a recovering substitute person, having learned through many hard-earned years of struggle that I don't have to be anybody's second choice. Some of these reflections will describe people who I have seen in therapy who were comfortable with me sharing their stories in this book. It is my hope that people will write and share their own stories, as this is how nearly all of my books have developed. I look forward to discussing this subject with you all..